APPLE TREE - A LETTER TO MY FATHER

6th August, 2011

Dear Alan,

I guess you could never have predict the consequences of your actions that day back in 1973, when you put your 4 children aged 7, 5, 3 and 18 months on a train, with their Mother, and walked away, out of our lives, never to be seen or heard from again.

It was bad enough what you did to my Mother...you know, she never fully recovered from that, until this very day...she never found love again.   I used to watch her as a kid, growing up...how she used to struggle just to keep her 4 children safe, fed, clothed, and although she was too tired to even sit down with us for a simple conversation, we KNEW that she loved us all. We had to learn from an early age to become self reliant.

It's funny Alan, but even though you disappeared, and was no longer present in my life, you still managed to teach me so much.

Hmmmmm …

What did you teach me???

For starters Alan, you taught me how to shut down, and to never allow anyone to get too close to me...for fear that they would walk away...a pattern that continues to this very day.


(they say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree)
 

It actually seemed to work really well for me too...you know...not allowing myself to get hurt.

You also taught your young Daughters to seek out father figures...often disguised as teachers, preachers, strangers in a crowd, even boyfriends...most of them with very UN-fatherly intentions on their minds. Brilliant lesson Alan!

You taught me to never fully trust, or engage...something I am working on til this very day.

Oh, and I also learned, that I have no qualms about upping and leaving people/situations that get too hard for me to deal with. You taught me that one so well, in fact, that I too can disappear off the face of the earth with out a trace

I nearly forgot this one Alan...you also taught me how easy it can be, to f*ck people over with selfish, self centred behavior, with little or no regard for the devastating consequences that will invariably ensue...that was a good lesson too.

Oh Alan... you taught me so much about Love, Life, the meaning of trust and commitment ..unfortunately, most of it was contrary to the way it should actually be...silly me.

There is not much more that I could ever possibly think to say to you Alan.

It still blows my mind when I think what you did to my Mother. 
As for me and my brothers and sister...we got the better deal I think.

It's only now that I have young children of my of my own that I wonder...

would we have been better off with you???

I honestly don't think so.

Do I have a desire to meet you, even on your death bed???

I honestly don't think so

Do I understand what motivates a man to do what you did???

Actually...a part of me does.

Do I blame you???

no...not any more

Do I hold you responsible for the way I turned out???

Absolutely NOT

Do I forgive the Man who broke my mothers heart soul and trust???

yes...yes I do

Alan P*********** you fool!....you went searching for your allusive dreams, wants and the other woman...and you missed out on the best things that ever happened to you...right under your nose.

I hope, from the bottom of my heart, that you found peace, and you have reconciled with yourself those parts of you that were less than perfect.

Unfortunately, some things in life...you don't get a second chance.

Your Daughter...

FOR MY MOTHER